One afternoon I was hanging around Ostlunds not doing anything in particular when Derrick drove up next to me in his blue 1967 Galaxie 500.
“What are you doing? Looking for trouble? Trouble.” he asks
“I’m not Trouble, you’re Trouble! You get me into trouble,” I quip back while noticing that the antennae on his car had beer can pull tab rings stacked on it nearly its entire length. So, I lightly flicked it with my finger and all the rings rattled, and then he says.
“So, are you planning any trouble later on tonight?”
“You think I plan this stuff first? Who winched a trailer up a tree? Trouble.”
I’d just trumped him on whose “Trouble” now.
“Who hit the island with a boat?” He said.
“Who didn’t wreck the boat when she skillfully drove it up onto the island? Who rolled his car and crumbled it?” I said quickly, and then there was a long pause as we smirked at each other.
“I was thinking of going over to Nelson’s for a while and then maybe the VRT” he said.
“So, you’re going by car to Nelsons?”
“Yeah, Joe and Lori want to go out too.”
“Sounds good to me as long as you can manage not to roll your car again.”
“Okay, I’ll see you about nine then, try not to hit the island.” He said and then he slowly started to roll away, but before he got out of reach I grabbed the tip of the antennae and as the car rolled away it was bending back hard and then I let go…… Well over a few hundred beer rings with their attached aluminum tabs flew up into the air and spun like little helicopters as they showered back down on us.
I ran.
At 9:15 when I made it into town (no islands hit) and we were all ready but Joe. He was a regular up here and he hadn’t been really much of a partier. Joe was a couple years older than I am, but has only been drinking for a little better than a year. He works at one of the resorts across the lake. One of the real fabulous things about being a girl up at Crane Lake was there’s so many guys and hardly any girls, so the odds are in my favor. Almost all these guys had amazing Adonis bodies that were deeply tanned from working hard outside. Derrick had rugged good looks and massive shoulders which you’d think would make me think twice on how much shit I gave him, but it didn’t. Joe came out, we loaded up and were on our way.
Joe and Lori had been dating for just a little while, and Derrick and I weren’t involved and we had known each other for years, we were sparring friends. He had relationships here and there and same with me.
We’re riding in Derrick’s car on the curving, rolling, gravel roads and we’re going around corners nearly sideways as the back end swings wide and then we nearly launch off of some of the hills, to make it in record time for whatever the hell for. Beer, I suppose.
We sit down at the bar which was nearly empty other than some of the crew were in there and we had a few rounds and were enjoying ourselves. I was smoking a lot at the time and it was not unusual for me to light a new cigarette with the one I was about to put out. Lori was smoking quite a bit too. I’m always good about making sure my smoke isn’t blowing into someone’s face so I’m holding my cigarette kind of high and a little bit behind me. Eddy, a big guy that I knew seemed to be searching for something to say to me and then eventually he comes up with,
“I don’t get cigarettes they don’t smell good, do they taste good?”
“Yeah, I like them, but I didn’t at first, but you get a taste for it like alcohol.” I answer.
“They smell bad”
“Sorry,” I say as I fanned the smoke away from him.
Then he says “I know a trick with a cigarette! Give me one I’ll show you.” And while standing next to me he laid the cigarette on the bar parallel with his chest and then licks his finger and hunches closer to the bar and drew on the bar with his wet finger three circles around the cigarette and then three short lines on the sides of the cigarette, and finally one line on the far side of the cigarette moving away from him and the cigarette follows his finger as though it was magically pulled away! Wide-eyed I say.
“Wow! That’s really cool how did you do that?”
I see knowing grimaces on others faces and knew I’d been had. “He blew it.” Said Miles the bartender who saw the trick from the front.
“OOhhh!” I laugh and pause for a while thinking, and then… I hold up an extra-long cigarette and point to the small green Kool printed on it near the filter and say.
“Hey! I know you don’t have a taste for cigarettes, but I’ll bet you twenty bucks you can’t smoke this cigarette down till it says Kool in just four minutes.”
“Well I don’t smoke, but I’ll easily take your twenty bucks!”
“Okay, Miles you got the time?” I say.
“Yeah, ready.” He answers. I take my zippo and flip the top with one hand and light it, hand it to Eddy and say “Go!” Eddy starts puffing on the cigarette but not inhaling and he starts to cough some anyway.
“This is gross!” he says while thick blue smoke is encircling his head. He stops halfway through and Miles announces, “you still have three minutes.” So, Eddy in obvious discomfort slows and pulls the cigarette away from his contorted face and takes a brief break from the smoke. Then Miles says, “two and a half minutes left.” Eddy coughs and wipes his tearing eyes and continues the rapid puffing on the cigarette, accidently inhaling some of the strong thick smoke while trying to wave it away with his other hand and coughs some more. I’m unworried as I see he clearly is going to make it well before the time runs out. People are laughing and some are cheering him on. Someone blurts out. “Looks like ya lost twenty bucks Carole!” With well over a minute left on the clock he burns the ash down to the green print on the cigarette. He victoriously holds it up to show me and pounds the bar making a thunderous noise with his fist, starts choking a bit and says “Gimme my twenty bucks! Girl.”
Taking my sweet time, I flip my zippo open, light a cigarette and take a long deep drag on it and then blow smoke rings slowly and say. “I didn’t hear it say Kool, did you?”
With that everyone started to roar with laughter, myself included. “Who’s tricky now?” I taunt.
His eyes are still red and tearing as he stands there staring at me in disbelief not sure what to do and he says, “You’re going in the lake!” He lunges at me, I jump up to run and say
“I don’t think so, it’s a long ways to the lake.”
“I don’t care how far it is, you’re going in.” Unfortunately, I’m cornered, his large gorilla arms grab me, and he throws me over his shoulder, my arms are caught in his grip.
I tried struggling and squirming and didn’t come close to getting free. “Lori! Derrick! Joe! Help me!” they just sat there like grinning shitheads and no one’s coming to help me, so I start the journey pleading while giggling evilly, “I’m sorry, No! REALLY, I’m sorry! I’ll give you five bucks! Six Bucks!” And he starts coughing again and I just lose it laughing as I’m still heading for the lake a good distance away. Now halfway across the yard I say. “Eddy it was just a joke!… A funny, funny joke! Eight bucks! I’m going out tonight! I don’t want to get wet!” Now we’re on the large dock ramp and still headed for the lake. “Ten bucks! Put me down please! PLLEEEAASE!” As I tried to squirm out of his grip he slowed a little (I felt hope) and then he coughs hard and I giggle… and !!SPLASH !!’ Shit.
Luckily, I just had a lightweight gauze shirt on and some thin faded out jeans and sandals, I went into the resort’s laundry room with Lori and threw my clothes into the dryer and then I put on some mascara and lip gloss again and brushed out my wet hair. Hell, I was back in the bar in a half hour and when I walked in Derrick looked at me and said
“Trouble.”
“I was perfect. Eddy just can’t take a joke, but the water is nice.” I say.
“You wanna go in again?” said Derrick
“Nooo! Next time I’ll bite.” I growl and snap my teeth.
It was one of those nights that everyone was “On” and having a really good time.
It’s another gorgeous night, we left the bar and went to the VRT and played pool there till it closed sometime in the a.m. We had a cooler of beer for the road and pop some and with Derrick at the wheel we peel out of the parking lot and head towards Crane Lake. We’re screaming to talk over the very loud music that was enjoyed by all and we thought we were headed home because some of us had to work tomorrow (Derrick and Joe, not Lori and I) when suddenly while still travelling at a good clip, Derrick cranks the steering wheel and turns down the loose gravel forestry road that leads to…. More forests. We’re fish tailing and spinning out on the dry gravel and I start to think about God and dying, and then Lori and I start looking for seat belts, hoping there are some in this older car. I reach deep into the back crack of the seat can only find two of the same useless ends.
“Holey Shit! Derrick what’s the hurry?” I look down at the speedometer and see we’re doing seventy miles an hour on this little shit rocky gravel road. “I’d rather not die tonight” I say.
But Nooo, it’s not bad enough yet, still doing seventy when suddenly Derrick ups the we’re gonna die factor and cranks the wheel and turns off the road into…. the…. forest. The car dove down the steep embankment and we’re headed for trees, many, many trees and I honestly don’t know if we were screaming or not, I guess yes. And we drove right smack into all the trees.
At seventy miles an hour!
When we hit them hard most folded over and some snapped, they beat against the bottom of the car and and we were still going so fast the car rumbled and roared as we went through them rapidly, it was like we were riding thunder or like someone playing a giant drum and we were also listening to Led Zeppelin really loud so it all blended really well. Looking out the windows it was just a green blur. The car would rise up some and scream over the Zeppelins drum solo (or maybe that was Lori and me) and then it would hit the ground and pick up speed again and we were thrown into the back of the seats from the rapid re-acceleration. It seemed as though this went on for a very long time, although I’m sure it was mere minutes. Finally, the trees cleared, Thank goodness! And now we are rapidly approaching a large body of water, Unthank goodness. The vehicle hits the water and a wall of water rose up in front of us and we burst through that and then the car skimmed the surface like a boat before losing speed and then it settled into the water. We sat there stunned for a good long moment and no one said a word and then “we’re still alive?” says Lori tentatively and quietly.
“And you think I’m the one that’s Trouble?” I say very loudly.
“What the hell was that?” said Joe
“What?” says Derrick as if he does this every day.
“Driving the car through the woods!” Joe says
Annnd the water! I yell.
“You could’ve killed us, you’re a crazy man!” I say adamantly, while waving my hands around like a crazy person does.
“I wasn’t going to kill us… it’s a road.” Says Derrick slowly and rather dryly.
“That’s not a road.” I said.
“It used to be.” He said.
“Well it also used to be covered in glaciers and yet there’s no one out here snowmobiling is there? Because “used to be” means it once was and now it’s not anymore.” I ranted
“So, when was it a road?” asks Lori
“Maybe eight years ago” he replies.
“Well, that explains driving through the woods and not hitting a massive tree.” I grasp. Although we all thought that was going to be our fate.
So now we’re sitting in the car completely sobered, stunned and silent while our brains are trying figure all this out.
We’re alive.
We drove through small trees.
We skipped across a really big pond.
We’re surrounded by water in the middle of this really big pond.
Our feet are getting wet.
Because we’re sinking….
Derrick is an Asshole.
Lori and I put our feet up onto the seat. The water continues to rise, and I say
“I am not getting wet again tonight and what is that smell?” The car shifted and then it started to sink faster, we open the windows and awkwardly climb out of the car and then crawl over the roof and we’re now all standing on the trunk and hood (so it would sink evenly).
“Thanks Derrick, this is great fun.” Lori says sarcastically.
The sun was far from rising, but it was already light out and then Lori says
“So, what about this giant pond we’re sitting in the middle of? Did this ‘used to be’ a lake?”
“No this used to be the road too, beavers must have dammed it up, it used to go to the fire tower. You don’t think I’d drive my car into water on purpose, do you?”
“After this, YES” I said.
Obviously after this, you never really knew what Derrick was going to do, but I’d always felt safe with him, he was a good driver and did things that made sense, mostly, not really so much now though. Maybe I am stupid. The car shifted suddenly, and the front end dropped in deeper, so now we’re all standing on the roof of the car. After a while the car quit sinking, so at least we’re still dry.
“What is that smell?” I say again and then we realize the smell is gross stinky beaver pond water and muck, uck! Once we stir it up it’s gonna be extra nasty because then all the stinky beaver shit that’s sitting on the bottom will come up, I say to Derrick.
“I’m not walking in that. No way! You’re carrying me! You did this, you can carry me!”
Lori said nearly the same to Joe, and both guys were agreeable with this. They climb down the car and into the dark water that comes up to their chests and Lori and I take our shoes off, roll up our pants and awkwardly climb onto the guy’s shoulders. I half expected Derrick to toss me in the goo, but he didn’t…
Because that would have been the point where he had finally crossed the line with me.
We ride on their backs for a good fifty yards or more, the beavers had been very busy. We get to the old tower road that isn’t a road anymore, but now a thick forest of young poplar trees. It was rough going, making our way through thick brush and all the bent over and a few snapped off trees, but most of them had already nearly straightened back up. After a while, we found Derrick’s car bumper that had been ripped clean off and not far from that was his muffler, between the mowed down trees and the scattered car parts the way back to the forestry road was quite apparent, and once there we still had another five miles to walk down the dry gravel roads.
Derrick lost this round of who’s Trouble.
Later that morning~
Derrick had worked as a mechanic at a shop long enough to train a little chipmunk to eat peanuts out of his hand and eventually while he was lying down and working on boats, the chipmunk would crawl into his T shirt pocket and help himself to the peanuts. This morning Derrick was working on the electrical wiring under the bow of a large boat and he fell sound asleep (oh surprise). When he awoke the little chippie was curled up
sleeping in his pocket too
My Crazy Wild-Life 